C-LOANS BANKER LETTER
This letter is intended only for commercial mortgage loan officers working for banks and hard money lenders. Today we'll introduce you to CommercialMortgage.com, a brand new kind of commercial mortgage portal. And, of course, because this is C-Loans (the jokesters), we have lots of cute, clean jokes, some funny pics, and a hilarious video of Donald Trump and his Mini-Me, Little Donald.
Joke Du Jour
A very small female janitor (4'10", 90 pounds) worked at an amusement park and was told to go out and sweep up the grounds. As she was getting ready to head out to clean up, her supervisor noticed her putting rocks in her pockets. When asked what she was doing, she pointed out that it was so windy out she was afraid of getting knocked over by the wind. "So," she said, "now I weigh me down to sweep."
I Am So Exhausted
Please insert Pokemon Pic here
Ever Wonder What a C-Loans Application Looks Like?
Here's a sample commercial loan application.
Pirate Joke
Q: How much does it cost for a pirate to pierce his ears?
A: A buck an ear! Aaaarrr!
Would You Please Refer Your Commercial Loan Turndowns to C-Loans.com?
If you have to turn down a commercial real estate loan this week, would you kindly refer the borrower (or broker) to C-Loans.com? If none of our 750 different commercial lenders can help him, the deal probably isn't do-able. Thanks so much!
R's Joke
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.'' In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud. The boy nervously eyed his classmates - many of them already laughing at him - and then replied, ''Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.''
Introducing CommercialMortgage.com
We have just released CommercialMortgage.com, our brand new, totally free, commercial mortgage portal that will supplement C-Loans.com.
CommercialMortgage.com is a pretty nice URL for a commercial mortgage portal, isn't it? It better be! I paid $100,000 just for the domain name alone.
CommercialMortgage.com ("CMDC") contains a searchable databank of 3,159 commercial real estate lenders, about four times more commercial lenders than C-Loans.com. It is also much faster and easier to use. We ask just six quick questions. Bam! The user is done.
The CMDC System lists 30 suitable commercial lenders for any particular commercial loan scenario; say, for example, a $750,000 first mortgage on a free-standing retail building in a small town in Ohio.
You are invited to come and play with CommercialMortgage.com. Just make up an imaginary loan and enter it into this new portal. I promise that you'll be impressed.
Would your bank like to close a few more commercial loans? Then join C-Loans.com!
Dentist Joke
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging. Dentist: "Would you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?" Patient: "Why, doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time?" Dentist: "There are tons of people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game."
Free Commercial Mortgage Marketing Course
You've got a buddy who works as a commercial loan officer at a neighboring bank, right? We'll trade you the contents of one of his or her business cards for a free commercial mortgage marketing course. We sell this popular course separately on C-Loans.com for $199. Learn how to turn on a flow of SBA and conventional commercial mortgage leads as easily as turning on a spigot.
Important note: This has nothing to do with joining C-Loans as a lender. For more information, please click here.
Cat Owners Will Sooo Get This Joke
Please insert Brexit Pic here
Bankers: Get 200 Free SBA Loan Applications
Does your bank want to close more SBA loans? C-Loans.com will give you two hundred SBA loan leads for free, deals that are perfect for your bank. These loans will be the right size. They will be located only in your favorite counties of your favorite states, and these SBA loans leads will be secured by just the type of commercial real estate that you prefer - office buildings, industrial buildings, etc.
Please click here for more information about how to receive 200 free SBA loan applications. The above offer is made only to commercial banks and credit unions.
What if you don't work for a bank or credit union, but your commercial mortgage company services more than $20 million in commercial real estate loans? We have a fine program for you too. Please call Mick Carlson at (574) 855-6292 or click here for more details.
Dear Abby Joke
"A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?"
Join C-Loans For a Flat Fee
Most banks that join C-Loans take advantage of our free guaranteed success program; but a bank can now join C-Loans, get listed on our Suggested Lender Lists, and receive tons of commercial mortgage loan applications for a small monthly fee:
For banks with less than $2 billion in assets, the cost is just $250 per month, and up to three loan officers can receive our SBA and commercial real estate loan leads.
For banks with more than $2 billion in assets and less than $7 billion in assets, the cost is just $350 per month, and up to four loan officers can receive our SBA and commercial real estate loan leads.
For banks with more than $7 billion in assets and less than $15 billion in assets, the cost is just $500 per month, and up to five loan officers can receive our SBA and commercial real estate loan leads.
For banks with more than $15 billion in assets, the cost is just $1,000 per month, and up to ten loan officers can receive our SBA and commercial real estate loan leads.
Important note: In all of these cases, the bank owes nothing more, even if it closes a loan.
To join C-Loans using our new flat-fee program, please email Mick Carlson, General Manager, or call him at 574-855-6292.
But, once again, most banks joining C-Loans, take advantage of our free guaranteed success program, where the bank only pays C-Loans, Inc. a software licensing fee of 0.375 points (just 25 bps. on deals over $5MM) if it closes a commercial loan from C-Loans. Most banks simply increase their normal loan origination fee from 1.0 point to 1.375 points to cover the cost of using our software and receiving our leads. This makes C-Loans effectively free to the bank.
To join using our guaranteed success program - effectively free to the bank - simply use this super-easy form to join C-Loans as a lender.
Allergy Pills Joke
The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI / DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pill sales that occur on the black market. The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds."
Referring Your Turndowns to C-Loans.com Gives Your Customers a Good Place to Look
If you have to turn down a bank customer's request for a commercial loan, it will help him if you could suggest a place for him to look elsewhere. With 750 different commercial real estate lenders participating on C-Loans.com, if your customer can't qualify for a commercial mortgage from us, he probably won't qualify anywhere. Thank you so much!
Dear Abby Joke II
"I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his."
How To Close Investor Commercial Loans When Your Loan Committee Won't Exceed 62% LTV
Suppose one of your better bank customers wants to buy a commercial building, not for his company, but rather just for investment. The deal cash flows perfectly at 75% LTV, but your nervous Loan Committee cuts the deal back to just 62% LTV. "Gosh, I have been a good bank customer for decades. I thought my own bank would take better care of me."
The sister company of C-Loans, Blackburne & Sons, raises small balance JV equity for such deals, and we'll raise as little as $100,000. We'll add our equity to your customer's down payment to create a down payment large enough to satisfy your Loan Committee.
Got a potential deal? Please complete this simple preferred equity application or call Angela Vannucci at 916-338-3232.
Ain't It the Truth?
Please insert Never Ending Story Pic here
Dear Abby Joke III
"I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again."
Would You Mind a $21,250 Referral Fee?
We once paid a $21,250 referral fee to a website owner named Alan Dunn of Spydercube.com for referring us a $17 million deal. Not long ago we paid our friends at RealWebFunds.com an $11,000 referral fee.
We've made it super-easy to refer us commercial loans and to receive big referral fees. Please click here for details.
Video - Donald Trump and His Mini-Me
Donald Trump and Little Donald at a stump speech
Dear Abby Joke IV
"I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost; but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him."
One Final Pathetic Plea
If you won't let us pay you a referral fee, won't you please-please refer your commercial mortgage turndowns to C-Loans.com? Thanks!
Final Funny
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
As the plane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
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