C-LOANS BANKER LETTER
This letter is intended only for commercial mortgage loan officers working for banks and hard money lenders. Today I'll explain how to underwrite a fix-and-flip commercial loan (or residential loan). And, of course, because this is C-Loans (the jokesters), we have lots of cute, clean jokes, pics, and gags for you. Removal instructions can be found below.
Joke Du Jour
In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity. Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation. Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather. To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!
Which State ...
Would You Please-Please-Please Refer Your Commercial Loan Turndowns to C-Loans.com?
If you have to turn down a commercial real estate loan this week, would you kindly refer the borrower (or broker) to C-Loans.com? If none of our 750 different commercial lenders can help him, the deal probably isn't do-able. Thanks so much!
Best Friend Joke
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?" Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp. "But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!" The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"
We've Made It Easy to Join C-Loans
C-Loans just designed a super-easy form to join C-Loans as a lender.
Its Wales!
So I walked into a this bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent. I said, "So, are you two girls from Scotland?" One of them said, "Wales, you idiot!" So I said, "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you two whales from Scotland?"
How To Underwrite a Fix and Flip Loan
Renovation loans and fix-and-flip loans are underwritten just like commercial construction loans (or even residential construction loans). The only difference is that the Land Cost will include the cost of acquiring both the underlying land and the building in need of renovation. More.
What is C-Loans 2.0?
Let's suppose you've heard about all of the hundreds and hundreds of commercial real estate loans being closed by C-Loans.com, and you want your bank to join. Unfortunately your boss is adamant, "We will not pay a fee to C-Loans!"
Now its no longer a problem. C-Loans, Inc. is pleased to announce C-Loans 2.0, a new program where we collect our own 37.5 bps. software licensing fee directly from the borrower. Here are the details on the brand, new C-Loans 2.0.
To join C-Loans.com and to receive custom-fitted commercial real estate loan applications from high-net-worth individuals located close to your branch, please call Mick Carlson at 574-855-6292.
Are You Mocking Me?
Please Refer Your Turndowns to C-Loans.com
With 750 different commercial real estate lenders participating on C-Loans.com, if your customer can't get qualify for a commercial mortgage from us, he probably won't qualify anywhere.
Singing Joke
Joe's wife likes to sing, so she joined the church choir. From time-to-time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch. His wife, her feelings hurt, asked, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?" "Honey, I love your singing; but I just wanted to make sure the neighbors knew that I'm not beating you."
Would You Mind a $21,250 Referral Fee?
We once paid a $21,250 referral fee to a website owner named Alan Dunn of Spydercube.com for referring us a $17 million deal. Two weeks ago we paid our friends at RealWebFunds.com an $11,000 referral fee.
We've made it super-easy to refer us commercial loans and to receive big referral fees. Please click here for details.
Calculator Joke
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
One Final Pathetic Plea
If you won't let us pay you a referral fee, won't you please-please refer your commercial mortgage turndowns to C-Loans.com? Thanks!
What an Absolute Treat!
When this video opens, it appears it will be a ballet. Continue watching, as many dancers from over the years appear in this video. WOW! What a treat to watch. Whoever puts this together has a wonderful sense of music.
Final Funny
A man goes out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9-iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit. 9-iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his wedge away and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.
He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, Frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3-wood." The guy takes out a 3-wood and Boom! He hits a hole-in-one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of his life and asks the frog, "Okay, where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas ."
They go to Las Vegas, and the guy says, "Okay, Frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3,000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck? Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you You've won me all this money, and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl.
"And that is how the girl ended up in my room, Elin. So help me God, or my name isn't Tiger Woods."
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