C-LOANS BANKER LETTER
This letter is intended only for commercial mortgage loan officers working for banks and hard money lenders. Today we'll talk about primary locations versus secondary locations. And, of course, because this is C-Loans (the jokesters), we have lots of cute, clean jokes, some funny pics, and a great boxing video.
Joke Du Jour
"Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special."
Mike: "To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird."
Jimmy: "What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?"
Mike: "Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish."
Jimmy: "Now listen, Mike, you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, but you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish."
Mike: "That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?"
Funny One For the Ladies
Please insert Stripper Pic here
Ever Wonder What a C-Loans Application Looks Like?
Here's a sample commercial loan application.
Chiropractor Joke
A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back. "Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?" "I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills." "Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
Would You Please Refer Your Commercial Loan Turndowns to C-Loans.com?
If you have to turn down a commercial real estate loan this week, would you kindly refer the borrower (or broker) to C-Loans.com? If none of our 750 different commercial lenders can help him, the deal probably isn't do-able. Thanks so much!
Kamikaze Joke
Did you hear about the stupid Kamikaze pilot? He flew 57 missions!
Primary Locations Versus Secondary Locations
A primary location, in terms of commercial real estate finance, is one of the most desirable locations in a gateway city in terms of traffic count, accessibility, safety, and affluence of the neighborhood. In other words, a lot of Lexus's, Mercedes, and BMW's need to be driving by. You will rarely find a life company lending in a city of less than 500,000 residents.
A gateway city is defined as a large, generally safe, metropolitan area, featuring at least one major university and a socially vibrant city center, that is a beehive for commerce, immigration, and job creation. The typical gateway city enjoys a pro football franchise and/or a pro basketball franchise and an MSA containing at least 1,000,000 residents.
A secondary location is defined as a middle-class, less-commercially-active area in a large city or an affluent, vibrant, and desirable area in a smaller city. A secondary location is typically a nicer-than-average location, but it is just not an incredible location. Is there a lot of brass and glass around? If not, you're not in a primary location.
Example: The most affluent and desirable location in Fargo, North Dakota - where all the physicians and attorneys congregate to do business - would be considered a secondary location. Read our full blog article on the subject. While you're there, be sure to sign up for our free training in commercial real estate finance. lender.
Does your bank or credit union need more commercial real estate loans? Please call Mick Carlson at (574) 855-6292 or click here for more details.
Vasectomy Joke
"A doctor in the U.K. yesterday admitted misconduct charges after he accidentally performed a vasectomy on the wrong patient. Apparently, the patient was pretty upset when she woke up." -- Seth Meyers
Moms Can Be Sooo Protective. Geesch!
Please insert Yelling Pic here
We've Made It Easy to Join C-Loans
It's very possible that your boss may soon come to you and say, "The Board is feeling a little more confident about the future. We'd like you to make a few more commercial loans." When this happens, please remember that C-Loans can quickly deliver attractive commercial loan applications directly to your inbox.
C-Loans has designed a super-easy form to join C-Loans as a lender.
Cookies Left Behind Joke
After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land. They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind. In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying, "Much love, Mom." Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner. A few minutes later, an announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse: "Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"
Referring Your Turndowns to C-Loans.com Gives Your Customers a Good Place to Look
If you have to turn down a bank customer's request for a commercial loan, it will help him if you could suggest a place for him to look elsewhere. With 750 different commercial real estate lenders participating on C-Loans.com, if your customer can't qualify for a commercial mortgage from us, he probably won't qualify anywhere. Thank you so much!
Octopus Joke
"Ted Cruz was just featured in Us Weekly’s '25 Things You Didn’t Know About Me' column. And on the list he revealed that he was once bitten by an octopus at the beach and got 'terribly ill.' Then the octopus said, 'Yeah, it took me a while to recover too.'" -- Jimmy Fallon
How To Close Investor Commercial Loans When Your Loan Committee Won't Exceed 62% LTV
Suppose one of your better bank customers wants to buy a commercial building, not for his company, but rather just for investment. The deal cash flows perfectly at 75% LTV, but your nervous Loan Committee cuts the deal back to just 62% LTV. "Gosh, I have been a good bank customer for decades. I thought my own bank would take better care of me."
The sister company of C-Loans, Blackburne & Sons, raises small balance JV equity for such deals, and we'll raise as little as $100,000. We'll add our equity to your customer's down payment to create a down payment large enough to satisfy your Loan Committee.
Got a potential deal? Please complete this simple preferred equity application or call Angela Vannucci at 916-338-3232.
"Missed It By This Much" -- Maxwell Smart
Please insert Target Pic here
What is C-Loans 2.0?
Let's suppose you've heard about all of the hundreds and hundreds of commercial real estate loans being closed by C-Loans.com, and you want your bank to join. Unfortunately your boss is adamant, "We will not pay a fee to C-Loans!"
Now its no longer a problem. C-Loans, Inc. is pleased to announce C-Loans 2.0, a new program where we collect our own 37.5 bps. software licensing fee directly from the borrower. Here are the details on the brand, new C-Loans 2.0.
To join C-Loans.com and to receive custom-fitted commercial real estate loan applications from high-net-worth individuals located close to your branch, please call Mick Carlson at 574-855-6292.
Fractions Joke
Q: Who invented fractions?
A: Henry the Eighth.
Would You Mind a $21,250 Referral Fee?
We once paid a $21,250 referral fee to a website owner named Alan Dunn of Spydercube.com for referring us a $17 million deal. Not long ago we paid our friends at RealWebFunds.com an $11,000 referral fee.
We've made it super-easy to refer us commercial loans and to receive big referral fees. Please click here for details.
Video - Greatest Round in the History of Boxing
Marvin Hagler verus Tommy "The Hitman" Hearns - 1985
Despite being drenched in his own blood,
Hagler knocked out Hearns in the third round.
Trump Joke
"Trump Tower in Chicago was struck by lightning during the Illinois primary, which Donald Trump went on to win. Nobody was hurt, but God was like, 'Crap, I missed.'" -- Jimmy Fallon
One Final Pathetic Plea
If you won't let us pay you a referral fee, won't you please-please refer your commercial mortgage turndowns to C-Loans.com? Thanks!
Final Funny
A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door. "An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best ground beef.
The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb. "Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?" Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound.
He wraps it up, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket. The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home.
The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog. "Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher. "He's a stupid dog -- that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key."
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