C-LOANS BANKER LETTER
This letter is intended only for commercial mortgage loan officers working for banks and hard money lenders. Today we'll talk about why CMBS loan rates are poised to rise. And, of course, because this is C-Loans (the jokesters), we have lots of cute, clean jokes, some funny pics, and a funny video for you.
Joke Du Jour
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path, and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon, only to find that the native had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I just soiled myself." The reporter said, "Under those circumstances, anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not back then - just now when I went, "ROARRRR!''"
Take Me To Your Leader
Please insert Aliens Pic here
Would You Please Refer Your Commercial Loan Turndowns to C-Loans.com?
If you have to turn down a commercial real estate loan this week, would you kindly refer the borrower (or broker) to C-Loans.com? If none of our 750 different commercial lenders can help him, the deal probably isn't do-able. Thanks so much!
Hippie Joke
Q: Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
A: Because he was too far out, man.
Get Paid $250 Each To Close Commercial Loans For C-Loans
We need more new banks to join C-Loans.com, so if you are a commercial real estate loan officer working for either an FDIC-insured commercial bank or a credit union, C-Loans, Inc. will pay you $250 every time you close a commercial loan for us.
Important note: You must join C-Loans.com for the first time after February 3rd, 2016, and you must join using this special link: Bankers, Join C-Loans.com and Get Paid to Close Commercial Loans.
Quiet Joke
"According to a new study, women are more attracted to men who talk less. Which is why you often overhear women say, 'Check out that mime.'" -- Conan O'Brien
CMBS Loans to Get More Expensive
In the wake of the Great Recession and the enormous losses suffered by buyers of mortgage-backed securities, the Dodd-Frank bill changed the rules. Starting in December, whenever a commercial bank or an investment bank syndicates a portfolio of commercial loans, that bank or investment bank must retain 5% of these securities for at least five years. This discourages a bank from dumping an over-leveraged commercial loan into its securization pool.
The big players in the commercial mortgage-backed securities business are Wells Fargo & Company, Deutsche Bank AG and JPMorgan Chase & Company. These banks are not crazy about the idea of holding onto 5% of every commercial mortgage they originate. It dilutes their return on capital. To compensate, these banks are expected to raise their interest rates on conduit quality commercial loans in the near future.
Does your bank or credit union need more commercial real estate loans? Please call Mick Carlson at (574) 855-6292 or click here for more details.
Quiet Joke
"According to a new study, women are more attracted to men who talk less. Which is why you often overhear women say, 'Check out that mime.'" -- Conan O'Brien
As Wally Cleaver Used To Say, "You Really Did It This Time, Beaver."
Please insert Pregnant Pic here
Confused? Wally was Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver's kind, older brother in the long-running 1950's sit-com, "Leave It To Beaver."
Tony Dow (Wally), after battling depression, went on to become
a reknown painter and sculpter.
We've Made It Easy to Join C-Loans
It's very possible that your boss may soon come to you and say, "The Board is feeling a little more confident about the future. We'd like you to make a few more commercial loans." When this happens, please remember that C-Loans can quickly deliver attractive commercial loan applications directly to your inbox.
C-Loans has designed a super-easy form to join C-Loans as a lender.
School Notes Joke
These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi school district. (Mispellings have been left intact.)
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John Henry being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Referring Your Turndowns to C-Loans.com Gives Your Customers a Good Place to Look
If you have to turn down a bank customer's request for a commercial loan, it will help him if you could suggest a place for him to look elsewhere. With 750 different commercial real estate lenders participating on C-Loans.com, if your customer can't qualify for a commercial mortgage from us, he probably won't qualify anywhere. Thank you so much!
More School Notes
Ethel Pearl could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Willie being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
How To Close Investor Commercial Loans When Your Loan Committee Won't Exceed 62% LTV
Suppose one of your better bank customers wants to buy a commercial building, not for his company, but rather just for investment. The deal cash flows perfectly at 75% LTV, but your nervous Loan Committee cuts the deal back to just 62% LTV. "Gosh, I have been a good bank customer for decades. I thought my own bank would take better care of me."
The sister company of C-Loans, Blackburne & Sons, raises small balance JV equity for such deals, and we'll raise as little as $100,000. We'll add our equity to your customer's down payment to create a down payment large enough to satisfy your Loan Committee.
Got a potential deal? Please complete this simple preferred equity application or call Angela Vannucci at 916-338-3232.
Ain't It the Truth?
Please insert Right Lane Pic here
What is C-Loans 2.0?
Let's suppose you've heard about all of the hundreds and hundreds of commercial real estate loans being closed by C-Loans.com, and you want your bank to join. Unfortunately your boss is adamant, "We will not pay a fee to C-Loans!"
Now its no longer a problem. C-Loans, Inc. is pleased to announce C-Loans 2.0, a new program where we collect our own 37.5 bps. software licensing fee directly from the borrower. Here are the details on the brand, new C-Loans 2.0.
To join C-Loans.com and to receive custom-fitted commercial real estate loan applications from high-net-worth individuals located close to your branch, please call Mick Carlson at 574-855-6292.
Switzerland Joke
Q: What's the best part about living in Switzerland?
A: I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
Would You Mind a $21,250 Referral Fee?
We once paid a $21,250 referral fee to a website owner named Alan Dunn of Spydercube.com for referring us a $17 million deal. Not long ago we paid our friends at RealWebFunds.com an $11,000 referral fee.
We've made it super-easy to refer us commercial loans and to receive big referral fees. Please click here for details.
Funny Video
How pork sausage is made.
Don't worry. It's just a gag.
Elephant Robbery Joke
A jeweller called the police station to report a robbery. "You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away." The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?" "What's the difference?" asked the jeweller. "Well," said the sergeant, an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears." "Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweller. "He had a stocking over his head."
One Final Pathetic Plea
If you won't let us pay you a referral fee, won't you please-please refer your commercial mortgage turndowns to C-Loans.com? Thanks!
Final Funny
The phone rang as I was sitting down to my anticipated evening meal and, as I answered, I was greeted with, "Is this Wilhiam Wagenhoss?" This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked, "Who is calling?"
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered Freezer Company or something like that, and then I asked him if he knew Wilhiam personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said, off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood."
I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call, and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case. I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.
The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. Then I proceeded to tell him that we had located his position at his work place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away. My wife asked me, as I returned to the table, why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
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